Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
