last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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