he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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