Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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