dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
