I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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