So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
