you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
