i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
