Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
