did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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