I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
