If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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