I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
