Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
