I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
