you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
