Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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