Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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