Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
