true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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