Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
