no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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