I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
