The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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