1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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