it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
