Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
