woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
