based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
