My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
