Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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