Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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