I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
