The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
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Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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