plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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