Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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