Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
