my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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