my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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