herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
