at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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