Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
