The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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