If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She bit a glass in half.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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