Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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