She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize