My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
