she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
