i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
