Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
