Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
