nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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