How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
