Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
