she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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