She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
