The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
